How to Make New Friends Using Bumble BFF

Making new friends as an adult can be daunting.

Especially in this new era of Work From Home; no more water cooler gossip or team happy hour. Additionally, a lot of our established friends have found themselves having to relocate to another city, or even a new state. And if you’re not in school or have many social activities or hobbies, you’re kind of out of luck.

Until recently.

I stumbled upon Bumble BFF when my wasband recommended the app to me so that I could find friends. I had just moved to Los Angeles and was starting over from our divorce. While I had a few friends already in town, I realized I needed to start creating my chosen family in my new city that I planned to call home.

(If you don’t know what Bumble BFF is, it is the platonic arm of the online dating app Bumble. It works much the same way, but with the clear intention of platonic friendship only. You can filter by age, location, even interests!)

Since then I’ve had quite a bit of success using it; I have about 4-5 solid friends who I’ve met through the app, and I can even call two of them my besties now! I’ve since perfected my method down to 13 steps to make the most of the app and not waste time.

Ready to give it a spin and see for yourself? Let’s get started!

Step 0: Prep

First things first: get crystal clear on what you want and don’t want out of these friendships. Then make decisions based on that. For example, I personally have decided that I want friends who can hang regularly (at least 1-2x a month); I want deep, authentic connections, etc. What I don’t want are friends whose words don’t match their actions; I don’t want flakey, unreliable friends, etc.

If you don’t know what you want you won’t get it. Say no to everything else.

When I first started using the BFF app I was swiping right on pretty much everyone. Swiping left seemed so mean and judgmental. Even though I can be friendly and get along with pretty much anyone, I soon realized the error of my ways: just because you can be friends with someone, doesn’t mean that you should.

These ill-informed matches usually fizzled because we had completely different lifestyles, values, interests, backgrounds, everything. We literally had nothing to talk about, no commonality or clear boundaries. Our vibes weren’t vibing.

I’m not saying it has to be matchy-matchy or perfect, but, your success rate will be much higher if you can identify what is important to you and act accordingly. While opposites can attract they will often repulse each other at some point.

Step 1: Accept That it’s a Number’s Game

What this means: swipe a decent amount, cast a wide-ish net, and expect most of them to not work out. For every 10 matches, maybe 1 or 2 will actually meet. Even fewer will make it to friend date 2 or 3 and beyond. Accept this and don’t take it personally. Just allow who stays to stay and who falls away to fall away. Trust that the right people for you will end up finding you, through the app or otherwise!

But keep on swiping.

Step 2: Take the Initiative

I think a lot of women for some reason don’t like making the first move even after matching in BFF and it’s ridiculous. I’m an Aries so I just go for it. Who cares.

Break the ice with something friendly and open. It’s even better if you can ask or compliment something specific on their profile. Example: one of their interests is movies. Say: “Hey (name)! Glad we matched. I love movies too, what are your top 3?” Or: “See any good movies recently? I just saw remastered Jurassic Park on the big screen, it was SO fun!”

Avoid asking “yes” or “no” questions, rather, ask open ended questions that could spark a conversation. Once the ice is broken you can easily move into deeper topics. Just keep the conversation going!

Step 3: Match Their Energy

I used to give my all to every single match, because that’s just who I am. All or nothing. I’d be the one holding up the conversation, asking the questions, while getting nothing back from them. I would literally hold their hand in order to have some type of connection. But I found out quickly that when it comes to dating AND friend finding, this is exhausting and was not respectful to myself.

Keep in mind these matches are strangers, and I’m sorry to say it, but a lot of people in the world are lazy or just plain selfish, with no consideration for others. So, observe. If they’re engaging, interested, asking questions, enthusiastic—HELL YES!

Or…if they’re hitting you with one word replies, no reciprocation, meh energy… let that convo die. Byyyyyeee….

Step 4: Match with Similar Interests

Interests. Plural. Trust me. If, for example, you are not a big drinker and 3/5 of their interests are “whiskey,” “happy hour,” and “wine,” how do you think they’ll want to spend their time with you? Hint: starts with a b and ends in an ar. While you sip sparkling water watching someone else get drunk. Match made in hell!

Having common interests/hobbies/lifestyles makes it easier to connect and find kindred spirits. Same goes for religion and phases of life, i.e., new mothers or even recently divorced. Find commonality; birds of a feather flock and stay together.

Ever notice how once your friends have a baby or get married they kind of disappear from their single friends’ lives? It’s not great, but I think it illustrates the point. When we shift out of certain phases or seasons of our life, a lot of times we want to surround ourselves with others who are in the same boat.

Back in the day, the only way people could meet was through mutual interests. Art. Activities, Games. Hobbies. Vocation. Travel. What do you like to do? What do you wish you could do with a friend? Start from there and work your way out. If you’re a sports nut, make friends with another sports nut—you’ll never run out of things to talk about and can even go to games together. Match made in heaven! Whatever differences you have at that point will make for interesting variety.

Step 5: Get Off the App!

Don’t get stuck with pen pals. If the conversation is going well, after a few back and forths I say, “Hey, you seem cool! Would you want to grab a coffee and see if we click?” Or, “I feel we have a lot in common, do you want to schedule a phone call? Better than endless messaging lol” Or something similar.

Again, for some reason most women on Bumble BFF are kind of passive—they are probably used to men taking the lead. I’ve noticed that the conversation goes nowhere unless I suggest something IRL.

Sigh. Be the adult, ask them for an outing. Take a chance, put yourself out there. Almost always they say YES; universally everyone wants to get off the app if they’re legitimately looking for friends.

I believe a lot of people don’t know how to transition smoothly from the app to real life. I make it clear in my profile that I am looking for IRL friends. Zero tolerance for anything else. Pen pals will tell on themselves pretty quick if they are resistant to meeting after an appropriate amount of time/conversation has transpired.

Be wary that some people may say they want real life friends, but sometimes they really just want the ego boost of an accessible online friend. Actions over words—if they keep hitting you with, “hi, how are you/how was your day” or other meaningless small talk without interest in establishing an actual relationship, let that digital deadweight go.

Step 6: Schedule Something

Get it on the calendar. Again, this is where we see a lot of women shy away from making plans. Once you’ve both agreed to meet or call, follow up with a text with possible days/times. If meeting, suggest places you like or ask if they have any recommendations in their area. Be as flexible and accommodating as possible, within reason. Notice if they do the same. But get something concrete down.

And allow how they handle that appointment to unfold, it will tell you A LOT. Do they confirm or ghost the day before/of? Do they communicate if they’re running late? Are they chaotic and impossible to pin down? Are you a planner and they’re loosey-goosey? Is this budding friendship already stressing you out?

Let it all happen and accept however it plays out. You don’t want flakey friends, do you? Don’t force anything but observe and respond accordingly to what you know works for you.

One time I scheduled a video call with a BFF match. I hurried home from errands and got ready for it, and texted her when it was time. Nothing. I waited 15 or so minutes, then accepted it wasn’t going to happen and went about the rest of my evening. I was a little worried, I thought maybe she had some emergency or something bad had happened.

Nope. She texted an hour later saying her mom was chatting with her and she lost track of time, whoopsie, could she reschedule? No real apology or ownership of flaking; it was no big deal to her.

But it was to me. When I schedule anyone I treat it like a doctor or client appointment. I respect other people’s time and I expect the same. In my view, anything less is rude and inconsiderate—definitely not traits that I want to be around. Needless to say, once I heard her excuse I didn’t even bother to reply. She showed me exactly who she is and how little regard she has for others’ time and energy. Believe people when they show you who they are the first time. I could tell this was just how she was, which is fine, but it’s not for me.

I simply allowed her to show her true colors, didn’t make a big fuss over it, and quietly let her slip away, because I only want reliable friends in my life. No need to give her a speech or force an apology. Keep it moving if it’s not working for you.

Step 7: Don’t Rush

Just like dating, it takes time to get to know someone. Even getting together a few times doesn’t mean you’re real besties now. I mean, it might, but that is the exception not the rule. Accept that most of your new friends will likely fizzle out or fall off in the following months.

This is the real test of longevity. Are they friends for right now or friends for the long haul? Again don’t take what happens during this time period personally. You’re not for everyone, and not everyone is for you, and that’s okay. Hold out for your tribe. It can take a few months of being regular friends with someone before you start to see more of their disconcerting character traits. True friendship is built over time. Don’t speed through a connection.

And just like with dating, most people just ghost when they’re no longer interested. So if you’ve met a few times and you text, “Hey girlie want to hit the gym with me this week?” And you get crickets? Move on with grace, no answer is an answer. We are no longer settling for friends whom we have to beg to spend time with us.

Step 8: Trust Your Intuition

Your gut doesn’t lie. EVER. If someone gives you a creepy vibe or it feels off or not good, do not pursue that relationship. It feels weird for a reason, so take that opportunity to tune in to what the other person’s energy is, and how yours is around them. Practice mindfulness. Don’t attach meaning to anything, just be a detached observer on a mission and do not deviate.

Remind yourself that it’s totally okay if this one doesn’t pan out. Try to make the most of it. Enjoy the food, the weather, the view, even the conversation if possible. If all else fails, you’ll have a fun story to blog about.

Step 9: Just Be

Be open, be curious, be mindful. Notice a trend? Just be. What does that mean, exactly? It means be fully in the moment. Tune into your senses. Stop worrying, “does the other person like me?” “is there something in my teeth?” “omg what question should I ask?” “what time is it?” Focus on the here and now.

Be open. Try not to judge any differences they may have. Everyone has their own journey and story. Be open to the unexpected; perhaps you assumed they would be a certain type of way but they ended up being something completely opposite of the picture you painted in your mind. It can still be good, just different. Be open to that.

Be curious. Notice little things about them and ask genuine questions, for example they might be wearing very colorful earrings. “I love your earrings, they are so unique! Where did you get them?” And they launch into a story about the time her crazy ex took her to New Mexico as a surprise, and now you’re in a whole entertaining story where you both are laughing at the end until your sides ache. Pretend you’re a detective. Ask questions then ask follow up questions. Really get to know this person beyond, “what do you do for work?”

And lastly, be mindful. Not just of yourself but of others, especially your potential new friend. If things are winding down and you notice they seem tense all of a sudden or are looking at their watch, offer to end the date.

Say, “We should probably get going,” (you both start gathering your bags) “…it was so nice to meet you/thanks for driving this way!”

It can be difficult when we feel like we’ve met a kindred spirit, we want to spend all day with them! But be mindful of their own energy level and needs, and er on the side of “less is more.” If you two truly hit it off, you’ll have many more chances to spend time together in the future. Avoid overwhelming them (and yourself) with all your expectations and excitement. Be mindful of where they seem to be at, for all you know maybe they ate something that didn’t agree with them and they just want to go home, it has nothing to do with you.

Step 10: Follow Up

This is where things get tricky and a lot of connections fizzle out. This is also where you really need to strengthen your don’t-take-it-personally muscle.

Just like with dating, what often happens is one of you likes the other and would hang out again, while the other one…not so much. Or even both of you weren’t feeling it. That’s okay. Regardless of how well you messaged, spoke on the phone, or how many things you have in common, sometimes it just doesn’t work out.

And you’ll never know until you send that, “It was great meeting, do you want to go to the dog park with me and Spock next week?” Then they will either reply enthusiastically and you plan that outing, or, they just don’t respond. Either way you’ll have your answer if this new friendship has a leg to stand on.

I like to try something different on the 2nd get-together, for example if we got lunch for our first meet up, I suggest an activity like walking, hiking, yoga, or even horseback riding. Start doing things together. Before you know it you’ll have a new gym friend or movie friend or even a best friend.

Step 11: Take Breaks

It’s a lot of energy meeting new people, and it’s easy to get burnt out. Like I said earlier, some people are just not decent human beings. That can wear on the best of us.

A lot of people ghost. A lot of people aren’t self-aware. A lot of people don’t have basic communication skills or ability to self-regulate. Some might even have a Dark Triad/Cluster-B personality disorder (iykyk). And a lot of people are just not going to pan out for you.

But each one took considerable time, energy, and effort to match with, message, ask questions, have phone conversations, drive, park, and meet up somewhere. And then for it to not even take off. It’s a bummer, and as Step 1 said, the odds are not in your favor.

That’s why you have to beat the odds. Remember, it is a numbers game. But in order to play the long game, it’s imperative that you take breaks as needed. Otherwise you may become jaded and bitter, not open, not curious, not warm, not optimistic. Nobody wants a friend like that. So do yourself and future friends a favor and sit it out for a while if you’re not having fun with it. After all, if you’re not having fun, what’s the point??

Step 12: Keep it Manageable

One of my early mistakes was I was matching and messaging on everybody all at once. I had like 20-some active conversations going. It was overwhelming. Obviously I couldn’t really connect in any real way with any of them, it was just too much to keep track of. A lot fell through the cracks. It felt like a frenzy.

Instead I learned to keep it manageable by only matching with 5-6 people at a time. That way it’s not just one or two and you’re hanging on if they’ll work out or not, and you’re not over run with options. This way you can talk to some promising matches, and slowly but surely some of them will fall off (or not even really start), which usually leaves you with 1-2. Of those you can move on to a phone visit or straight to meeting up, and go from there.

Step 13: Have Fun!

Again, if you’re miserable trying to make friends and it feels like a chore, you’re doing something wrong! Try to relax, have fun, and still maintain your current friends and social groups. Try not to put so much pressure on this one avenue for making platonic friends. Because it is just that, a single tool for meeting people. If anything, the apps are becoming less in vogue and IRL is retaking center stage.

So go out and do things. Take a dance class, learn self-defense, go group hiking, learn painting, take your dog to the park and strike up conversations with other dog owners. Get it? Let every opportunity be one of possible connections and you’ll never want for friends. Let the people on the app just be the cherry on top of your already rich and rewarding life. Oftentimes, when you least expect it, it comes.

An above all, be a good friend to yourself first.

Happy Bumbling!