Emotions—They’re All Good (Part Two)

Believe it or not, every emotion has a healthy outlet.

In our last article, we covered how emotions are inherently neither good nor bad—they are actually just neutral messengers that want to be acknowledged and emoted. Your emotions need to be seen, felt, integrated, and released.

While we are very willing to do this for “pleasant” emotions (such as joy, excitement, love), we are not so well-versed in properly processing our “negative” feelings (anger, sadness, jealousy, contempt, etc). But to be fair, the “bad” emotions aren’t exactly enjoyable to experience either.

That will most likely never change, but my hope is that you will have a new-found understanding, compassion, and appreciation for the entire spectrum of your unique human experience.

Because let’s face it: “bad” emotions (emotional discomfort and pain) are a part of being human, it’s unavoidable, so what can you do about it?

How can you process these feelings in a way that neither harms yourself or others, yet allows the emotion to leave your body in a safe and productive way? Is that even possible? Or are we doomed to forever drown our sorrows in a glass of wine?

Step One: Become Cognitively Aware

I’m happy to report that it is very possible to deal with strong emotions in a healthy way. But first thing’s first. A big part of changing your behavior is understanding what’s driving it. And you can’t do that without the ability to introspect and reflect on your lived experiences in a non-judgmental, compassionate, and detached way.

Whenever you start to feel a familiar “negative” emotion rise up, pause. Try not to react, like you normally would. Instead, turn your focus inward.

It will be very uncomfortable since you aren’t used to this. We often find a lot of hidden issues with ego and trauma during this exercise. You most likely will feel a lot of resistance. Just acknowledge and accept that feeling, and continue.

And just…observe.

As much as you can, try to be a detached observer. Almost like a scientist in a lab. Mentally try to describe to yourself what you are experiencing. For example, let’s say someone said something that made you feel ashamed, like a comment about your appearance.

You might feel a dark, shrinking feeling in your chest, like a black hole. Or a heaviness on your head, pressing you down, making you feel small and dirty. You might feel hot or cold, or wish you were invisible. Notice your breath and heart rate, are they increasing? Or do you feel like your heart just dropped into the pit of your stomach? Did you mind go blank or is it racing?

Try your best not to judge what you are witnessing, and instead get curious. You are now playing Rust from True Detective and are unattached the outcome. Follow that white rabbit down the rabbit hole.

What stories are you telling yourself during these sensations?

For example, following the “shameful” prompt again, perhaps your mom constantly made remarks about your body when you hit puberty.

Did her words make you feel sinful or bad, like you had to hide who you are? Were kids at school bullying you because of your weight or height, and the thoughts crawling through your head were telling you that no one will ever love or accept you? That no one will ever want you? This is really painful and uncomfortable but try your best to stay with the narrative.

See what beliefs and thoughts come up with all of that. Journaling or writing this down is often helpful in navigating these triggers and not getting too hung up on the words ruminating in your mind. Get it out on paper if possible.

Free association writing can be very powerful for this particular stream of consciousness. But go easy on yourself and don’t feel bad if you end up having an outburst anyway or it got so overwhelming you could only follow the rabbit so far.

It’s okay, there’ll always be another time to try. And each time it’ll get less scary because you’ve been here before and now you come out on the other end safe. Don’t give up.

Another thing you can do in the moment is, when you are triggered, pause and change a variable.

Instead of reacting like you normally would, ask yourself if there is an alternative thing you can do or say. Better yet, have an option ready to go beforehand. Give a different course of action a try (remember what the definition of insanity is: doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome).

Let’s say whenever your partner brings up something that isn’t working for them, you get defensive and refuse to apologize for anything they say, and it turns into a big fight.

Instead of getting defensive (again) this time try being open and accepting their point of view; own what you can of their perception of your actions and apologize. Or try a different way of wording things. Or instead of crossing your arms keep them relaxed; less talking, more listening. The outcome might be pleasantly surprising.

The worst thing that can happen is your “new action” flops, or a fight with your significant other still ensues. But at least you have new data points that tell you something about yourself (and them) that you haven’t realized before. At best the issue is resolved and you feel seen and heard. You can always process the underlying emotions later when you are alone and have collected your thoughts.

Self-awareness and growth is a (very) difficult journey that takes time and many missteps.

Remain curious, observe, and remember that emotions are just messengers, and that they are fleeting. “This too shall pass.”

Just don’t shoot the messenger! Ask yourself: “what is this emotion trying to tell me?” Honor that emotion and thank it for bringing this wound to your attention. Attempt to get to the root of what you are feeling, and why.

This is your only task when doing these exercises; not to fix something or make the feeling go away. Rather the purpose is to fully understand, accept, integrate, and release. The more you do this the easier it will be become, and you’ll start catching yourself more often and earlier when you would normally be reactive.

Now that we’ve covered the what and why, let’s move on to the how. How do we actually integrate and release the not-so-fun emotions we are experiencing?

Step Two: Practical Application

Here are some physical and somatic exercises to help you release unpleasant emotions. Remember, all e-motions are just energy in motion! Like it or not, that means the best way to transmute them is to physically move.

Try one, try a few, try all of them. The only way to figure out what works for you is to experiment and keep an open mind.

PILLOW FIGHT

Abuse that pillow. I said what I said. Take out aggression on a softish, inanimate object, like a pillow. Or a mattress. Or a punching bag. Or a car seat cushion. As long as it isn’t destroying property, harming yourself, or hurting others, do the physical violence (safely).

If you must destroy something, check out a local “rage room” where you pay for the privilege of taking a baseball bat to broken electronics and other trashed items. It’s very fun, very therapeutic, and no one gets hurt or arrested! Extra fun with friends.

WALL PRESS

If punching [anything] isn’t your cup of tea, or you’re at your 9-5 and can’t take a punch break, try this: push as hard as you can against a solid wall for a couple minutes.

This is proven to help with relieving physical tension from your muscles, even while you’re at work. It’s a great way to tone muscles and improve strength, too!

UGLY CRY

Let it all out. Yes. Don’t be surprised if you find that once you start crying about one thing, two more things will crop up. Just accept this and move through it.

Allow the wave of grief to take you wherever it needs to go. This too shall pass; you will get to the other side, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

I’m of the belief that the vast majority of humans on this planet have an immense amount of grief, sorrow, and pain that they haven’t fully processed, if at all. Remember, those suppressed emotions aren’t going anywhere. They hang around…and accrue interest. I believe that alone is responsible for 99% of suffering and violence. If everyone had a good cry there would probably be world peace.

Think about it. After crying you always feel better, lighter, and freer. Relieved.

There is a physiological reason for this. The act of crying releases oxytocin and endorphins, our body’s natural feel-good chemicals and pain relievers. You are literally being rewarded, biochemically, for releasing!

While the underlying trauma and pain are still there, it somehow feels further away, and less daunting, after a sob session. You’ll find that after shedding tears, it’s easier to go with the flow throughout the day and not sweat the small stuff.

Trust your body, if it feels like wailing or screaming, let it, at a time and place of your choosing, lest you lose it in front of the cashier at BestBuy because your credit card was declined.

From my observation, it’s the adults who never cry who tend to have the most tantrums.

Likewise, ever notice how whenever you don’t give in to your sorrow, and bottle it up instead, that you’re kind of irritable and frustrated for the rest of the day?

Now imagine this on a mass scale, worldwide. Especially within the male population, where crying is often strongly discouraged and shamed. The statistics for violent crimes are overwhelmingly one gender for a reason. Stuck emotions slowly poison you and those around you. It is healthy to cry, and often.

Everyone should make crying a regular part of their emotional health maintenance. Don’t be ashamed of it. Yes it doesn’t “feel good” in the moment, but just like working out, we do it for future us and those around us.

The average adult laughs four times a day, so why not howl at the moon just as often? I know it’s not fun, but your body and soul are aching to let go of the multitude of burdens you’ve carried for most of your life.

Next time you are bawling your eyes out, lean into how visceral the pain is; how it feels like you are utterly alone in the universe screaming into the abyss.

Feel it without fear, because it will pass. You will come out on the other side.

You are not dying (well, your ego might be a bit. It doesn’t like feeling weak or out of control). You might feel you are though (because ego=your identity=you).

If possible, search for that small micron of beauty that resides in profound pain. The sweet in the bitterness. It is there for those who are willing to see, and not everyone can accept its message.

If you are struggling to get the waterworks going, seek art, movies, poems, music, memories, anything that you know will trigger tears.

I don’t know why, but this reel of a horse visiting dying patients always makes me bawl like a baby. If you need some help getting started, and you’re on a mobile and it’s not playing properly, click here and get your tissues ready.

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BREATHING EXERCISES

Disclaimer: I hate breathing.

I mean the breathing exercises with counting. I just hate it. It’s annoying counting, holding my breath, it just feels weird and unnatural. But I just can’t deny that breathing exercises work.

Here’s a good breathwork exercise to calm your sympathetic nervous system: inhale deeply, through your mouth, then take another gasp of air and let it out through your mouth. It’s pretty much that shuddering double inhale you take after a nice crying spell. This breath pattern is literally your body’s way of regulating itself. Repeat a few times slowly, with nice full pauses in between. 

Counter intuitively, if you want to get some stuff out and have a good cry, breathe in this same pattern rapidly, nonstop, for as long as you can.

If you do this enough times you will start to feel some deep things come to the surface. It’s wild.

Since the diaphragm holds a lot of stuck emotions, when it’s actively engaged like this things start to move. Don’t believe me, just try it. I don’t fully understand why this particular breath work activates both the sympathetic and parasympathetic systems, but it does. It can be calming or activating, depending on how you use it.

If that’s not your vibe, you can also try the classic 4-7-8 in which you inhale for the count of 4, hold for 7, and exhale for 8. Follow and focus on the physical sensation of the breath from the moment it enters your nose and leaves your mouth. This is a good exercise for when you’re overwhelmed or anxious, since mentally holding count momentarily distracts you from the intense emotions inside, and the act of breathing calms the nervous system. Much like the “Name 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 things you can see, touch, hear, smell, taste” hack for grounding during a panic attack. 

If even that feels like too much, try just breathing in for approximately 5 seconds, hold it for 5, breathe out slowly for 5 seconds, and hold again for 5. Rinse and repeat until you feel more grounded.

EVERYBODY, MOVE YOUR BODY

If you’re angry or anxious: dance, jump, sing, run, go for a walk! It’s amazing what movement and a change in environment can do for you when your fight/flight response is activated. If you’re able to go outside, even better. Movement dissipates the adrenaline coursing through your veins, since your body is already primed for action. Even just leaving the room and going into another room can help.

Now, if you can’t go for a run just yet, get on your feet and bounce while shaking and waving your legs and arms. Sway back and forth, let your arms hang like dead weights. Close your eyes and feel the sensations of your body moving through physical space.

Eventually your movements will slow and you will feel calm(er). Shake it off. (Huh, wonder where we got that saying from.) It looks ridiculous, but again, this type of movement is effective.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL

Try some easy yoga and/or stretching. Gentle poses are great for anxiety and sadness, particularly Yin yoga (my personal favorite).

While holding these positions, feel the flow of your breath and imagine your emotions as tight knots being slowly loosened and dissipated along your muscle strands. Listening to calming music or a meditation can also be helpful during this time.

Then there’s progressive muscle relaxation which is great for irritability and anxiety. Usually best lying down or sitting, begin by tightening muscle groups and releasing them, starting with your toes and working your way up to your head. Oftentimes the simple conscious act of tensing then relaxing brings awareness to how stuck in flight or fight your body really is.

When you’re struggling with feelings of shame, fear, or jealousy, try putting your legs up against a wall (aka viparita karani in yoga).

Lie flat on the ground (or on your bed) with your legs resting as close to a 90 degree angle as you can against the wall or headboard. Let your body go completely limp, allow the wall to support you. Close your eyes and feel how heavy gravity is, how securely glued to the ground you are.

You may hold for as little as a couple minutes or as long as twenty. There are a myriad of health benefits to practicing viparita karani regularly, such as reduced stress hormones, blood pressure, and back pain, as well as increased circulation and lymph node drainage. This relaxing posture is great before bed!

DID I STUTTER?

If you’re in your car or otherwise alone and won’t be disturbed, try having an imaginary fight with the person you’re mad at and say all the things you wish you could say to them. Speak your truth with your whole chest, and give yourself Oscar-winning lines that clap back!

The idea is to get it all out consciously in a controlled environment before it bubbles up and erupts accidentally. What’s great about this role play exercise is that it helps you to formulate your thoughts and feelings into concise words and ideas.

Oftentimes it can reveal the deeper issues at play, as well as highlight your fears of being completely honest and direct with this particular person.

If, after your fake fight, you decide you need to talk to said individual for real, now you have some practice on what you’re going to say and how best to say it, as well as removing the fear from speaking your truth out loud. You come to realize that they’re just words. And you can say them assertively when it comes down to it.

This tactic also improves your confidence if you are normally shy or reserved.

When you practice stating your boundaries out loud to no one, once there’s a real person in front of you, you already have the words formed and they can come out with ease. You’ve already set an energetic precedent by previously speaking them into existence.

…maybe add a little bit of editing in there so you don’t come off as an overly aggressive asshole. Be considerate to others, always, but also stand up for yourself, always.

It’s much like affirmations, except you’re spitting boundaries and hard truths without fear because you’ve already been there done that.

ACUPRESSURE / PUNCTURE

Next time you’re stressed or frustrated, press on the spot in between your big toe and the toe next to it, about an inch and a half up your foot. This is LV-3 (Taichong) and is known to reduce blood pressure, lower stress, and relieve anger and irritability.

For anxiety, try pressing the spot right between your eyebrows (EX-HN 3, Yintang), or pinch the area in between your thumb and index finer (LI-4, Hegu). If you have good results with these pressure points, you might also be inclined to try acupuncture with a licensed professional.

MASSSAGE THERAPY

Did you know your body can hold tension in the form of muscle tightness and knots? There are so many layers to this, but basically, if you’re getting a lot of headaches from tight neck and shoulders, go in for some deep tissue relief.

Getting a massage also releases oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine, providing instant feelings of well-being and reduced anxiety.

MYOFASCIAL RELEASE

There is an intricate matrix of a watery, gel-like substance called fascia that permeates throughout your entire body, encasing everything.

Fascia is a connective tissue that provides structure and support to your muscles so they can move and stretch smoothly. It’s the reason why you feel stiff in after waking up but as you warm up and move around that feeling decreases.

When fascia becomes dysfunctional through dehydration, trauma, or stress, it begins to get stuck and be tacky.

It is also thought to store cellular memories as well. Specialize therapists can perform myofascial release to help restore the fascia to its flexible, functional self, which can also release a lot of emotional pain. It is not uncommon for clients to cry during sessions because of the intense feelings that it brings up.

EMDR (EYE MOVEMENT DESENSITIZATION AND REPROCESSING)

Did you know you can low key do some basic emergency EMDR on yourself when triggered? (Disclaimer: a trained, professionally licensed counselor is required for clinical EMDR trauma release and integration and should be sought out for that purpose.)  

EMDR works because of bilateral stimulation and how traumatic memories are stored in the brain. In urgent situations self-administering can help when you’re in a pinch and won’t see your therapist until next Monday.

Here is a good YouTube video that has a timed ball going back and forth on your screen for your eyes to follow; there are also music tracks on Spotify and YouTube that stimulate your right ear and left ear alternatively when wearing headphones.

Again, the keyword is bilateral stimulation; we want both sides of your body (and hence, your brain because each hemisphere controls it’s opposite side) to be engaged.

You can even move your pointer finger back and forth about a foot in front of your face and follow it with your eyes to experience relief. You can learn more about the incredible efficacy of EMDR and its clinical research here. Of course, nothing beats getting actual EMDR from a licensed professional for deeper, permanent healing.

BALANCE AND CALM YOUR BRAIN

BodyTalk is a powerful combination of Western philosophy and Eastern energy medicine. Although full sessions with a trained practitioner are necessary to go deep and clear out old trauma, you can still do some SOS recalibrating on your own.

Place one hand at the base of your skull and hold it there. With your other hand, gently tap your forehead for 5-10 seconds, then move down and tap over your heart, and finally your stomach. Focus on deep breathes.

Then move the other hand from the base of your skull up about four inches so that it’s holding the center of the back of your head and repeat the tapping sequence. Keep moving that hand up your entire head, tapping with each segment, until you get to your forehead.

Tap your head, heart, and stomach area for the forehead position, then release and hold each side of your head with your hands. Close your eyes and breathe deeply for 15-20 seconds, then use hand to tap again. This quick technique is great for grounding, calming, and balancing the left and right hemispheres of the brain.

EXPERIMENT WITH SOUND AND SMELL

Don’t neglect your other senses, especially scent which can be very emotionally powerful. Experiment with different essential oils, like lavender and chamomile for stress and anxiety, orange, ylang ylang, and lemongrass for sadness, and vetiver or peppermint for frustration.

Find music that has binaural beats or is a slow tempo. Experiment with white noise, brown noise, pink noise! For some people, listening to ocean waves is relaxing. For others, singing bowls are grounding. And for some, the Top 40 always lifts their mood. Even death metal has its place, if playing air guitar aggressively in your kitchen leaves you feeling better afterwards, then go right ahead.

Whatever grounds you and makes you feel good. This (non-death-metal) song by Marconi Union has been specifically engineered to reduce anxiety. It’s just 8 minutes long and works!

BOTTOM LINE

Ultimately, if you have found healthy (non-destruction, non-harmful) ways to release “negative” emotions that work for you, that’s all that really matters. What we want to stay away from are things that are ultimately detrimental to our health or well-being of others.

Anything along the lines of using alcohol to numb, or screaming in front of your kids, or overeating to drown out emotions are all choices to avoid and replace with better ones. Remember, there are no bad emotions, just maladaptive coping behaviors. Emotions are messengers, listen to what they’re trying to tell you and behave accordingly.

Drop a comment and let us know how you like to dispel your rage, bitterness, and sadness.

Did we miss anything?